Audrey did so well over last weekend without the tube that we decided to leave it out and just take it one day at a time. She definitely has been eating more! But we are concerned that she has lost some weight and are now considering putting the tube back in next week. It's such a hard decision and I feel a lot of anxiety over it.
I have been struggling with some anger and depressions issues over this. I so badly just want her to be back to "normal" and not have to feel so anxious about her eating anymore. It sometimes feels like we will never be in that place. But Ryan reminded me that we will never go back to how things used to be-we are in a "new normal." This is a phrase I like to use with my students when talking about how their baby will change their lives. They will never "get back to normal" as they used to know it, but they can expect to reach a "new normal" eventually with their baby. The postpartum time can be very difficult emotionally and physically and many new parents put a lot of pressure on themselves to "get back to normal" as soon as they can. But life can never go back to how it used to be before baby came. The same applies to our situation. Our life will never go back to how it used to be before she was hospitalized and getting upset and angry over the fact that life isn't the way I want it to be doesn't help anyone. So maybe I just need to accept that this is our "new normal" for now and be grateful for the progress she HAS made instead of focusing so much on where I want her to be.