This is such a hard story to write. Just like most people, I never thought I would be in this situation and it still feels surreal. I'm writing this 72 hours after it first started. It feels like so long ago but also like such a short time has passed. I have found a lot of contradictory feelings during this whole process. The most prominent one being that while I am so sad my babies are not here on earth with us, I am also so relieved and happy that they are in Heaven with Jesus. They never knew anything except my warmth and my love. And now they know nothing except the perfect love of God. I know I will see them again when I go to Heaven and that does bring me comfort and joy.
I have suffered a lot with infertility, the difficult birth of my first daughter, serious medical problems when she was a year old, infertility again, and now the loss of my twins. Some people have said it seems especially unfair that we should have to suffer this burden after everything else we've gone through. Strangely, I do not feel angry with God like I did when we went through infertility. I do not feel outrage at our circumstances and the unfairness of life after the fall of man. I feel sadness yes, but also peace. Maybe the anger will come in time.
I had felt like this pregnancy would be my last for many reasons. Trying to get pregnant has always been a horrible and difficult time emotionally. This time I saw a therapist, which helped, but it was still very hard. We were so blessed to get pregnant on the first try (previously it took 2 years and 1 year) and we found out on Christmas Day. Everyone was very excited, including our daughters Audrey (7) and Deidre (3).
First trimester was unbelievably difficult. I had morning sickness in my previous two pregnancies, but it was fairly manageable. This time it felt like I was run over by a truck while on a wildly rocking boat. Both the nausea and fatigue were unreal. I was basically bedridden during February. Sleeping was great because it provided some relief. I tried lots of natural remedies and finally resorted to a half dose of the B6 and Unisom combo. That helped take the edge off enough so I wasn't throwing up several times a day. For me to even consider using pharmaceutical drugs meant I was really desperate. I usually don't take anything unless I'm dying, especially in pregnancy. My oldest daughter had kidney defects which were possibly due to an antidepressant I was on during her pregnancy.
I was really worried that extreme nausea would last the entire pregnancy and I didn't know if I could do it. It felt like I was in the transition phase of labor where you say "I can't do this anymore!" And then the baby comes out.
This experience further convinced me that this was our last baby. I really never wanted to go through the emotional and physical experiences of trying to get pregnant or first trimester again. I was so miserable that I regretted getting pregnant, and then I felt guilty about that. I didn't blame my baby but was mad at my body for reacting this way to the hormones.
Since I was having such extreme symptoms I had absolutely no worries about how the baby was doing. I felt like my body was falling apart but that baby was healthy and thriving. Morning sickness is usually a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Normally during pregnancy I have a little anxiety about loss because I know how common it is in the first trimester. But this time I was completely at peace. I did suspect twins but I also knew that the extreme symptoms might mean an opposite gender baby than I've carried before (boy) or could simply be a fluke.
I normally choose not to have any routine prenatal ultrasounds or blood tests to check on hormone levels. I've done a lot of research over the years on these, and other, pregnancy and birth choices and know that they are not risk free. I also feel strongly about tuning into my body and my baby during pregnancy instead of relying solely on what outside experts say, especially those who are not on the same page about birth. Now I kind of wish I had done an early ultrasound, just so we would have had the joy of knowing about both babies while they were alive, instead of just the sadness of finding out after. But we don't know when the absorbed twin passed so ultrasound may not have seen her anyways.
At just after 13 weeks I finally started to feel better. I was so excited to get past the worst part of pregnancy and into the fun part where I would start to look pregnant and feel my baby moving. I did start feeling movement around this time as well, very subtle and not everyday, just like you would expect. My energy and appetite quickly returned and I focused on following the Brewer's Diet and getting some gentle exercise while also resting plenty.
15 weeks and 2 days
I also measured my fundal height for fun and noticed that I was measuring a few weeks ahead. Normally I measure small so I thought this was interesting. I knew that fundal height isn't always very accurate and that there are lots of reasons for measuring large, especially for a third pregnancy. I never had a super strong feeling that it was twins but it was always in the back of my mind. I have always wanted twins, and thought it would be awesome to "break twin myths" as I would most likely birth my twins at home full term, nurse them exclusively and for years, etc.
My two favorite experiences of this pregnancy were hearing Cedric kick the fetoscope and when Ryan felt the baby moving. I was right at 16 weeks when I decided to use my fetoscope for fun to see if I could hear anything yet. Usually 16 weeks is too early but it can be possible to hear a heartbeat. I did not hear my placenta (I figured it was posterior since I had been feeling movement almost everyday) and I did not hear a heartbeat. But I did hear thumps several times that were not consistent like my own heart beat and did not sound like my intestines or other bodily noises. Now, I'm no expert with using the fetoscope by any means - it does take a lot of skill and practice to use correctly. I've only used it during my pregnancy with Deidre. But I do think those thumps were Cedric kicking at the fetoscope.
A few nights later Ryan and I were watching Third Rock From the Sun and relaxing. I felt a LOT of movement both inside and out. Still very subtle, but very much there. Ryan came and felt very patiently and he was able to feel it too! It was a really nice moment to have together.
Two mornings after that on Tuesday, when I was 16 weeks and 4 days, I was half awake at 7:30 am and having weird dreams. I kept half waking up due to strong braxton hicks. I had been feeling braxton hicks off and on since early pregnancy and knew this can be normal for a third pregnancy so I wasn't very worried. I thought "when I wake up I'll drink a lot of water and take an epsom salt bath and they should go away." Then I felt my water break. I woke up Ryan saying "Ryan. My water broke." I did not feel an immediate sense of despair but felt calm, detached, and like I was still in a dream. I think I knew deep down at this point that the babies had already passed away. Ryan immediately jumped out of bed and cried out "No! Nooo!" I told him to be careful not to wake up the girls but it was too late.
I had him call Jody (friend and across the street neighbor) and I called the midwife. Jody took the girls to her house where her husband and older children would watch them and she came back. My midwife called back and started the very difficult conversation of what to do next. She said that the risk of postpartum hemorrhage is higher with a second trimester loss and that attending this type of birth at home was out of her scope. I was absolutely devastated at the idea of a hospital birth. I have very strong beliefs about birth and both of my girls were born at home. I also knew that we would be lucky to find a hospital that would even let Ryan in with me because of the Covid-19 pandemic. My last concern was having the baby taken away from me. My friend had gone through a second trimester loss a few years previously and she said the hospital would not let her bring her baby home. This was of utmost importance to me, also because I wanted my girls to see and hold the baby. The midwife said she would call around to hospitals and see what they said about these things.
I started writing a birth plan and Ryan packed a bag for me. We called our immediate families to let them know what was going on. My mom literally dropped everything and hopped on a plane from Florida to come up and support us. The midwife called back and said she had talked to the charge nurse at a local hospital. The nurse said I could absolutely have Ryan with me and I could take my baby home. I started to feel better about a hospital birth and I started to think I might want induction and pain medications. Induction because I didn't want to wait for labor to start naturally. With a loss it can take weeks and even months sometimes. I am completely patient when I get to full term with a live baby, because I believe only they know when they are fully developed and ready to be born. But with a miscarriage I did not want to have to wait days or weeks to birth them. I also had concerns about a complete shut down of the state and how that might affect our options for having Ryan in the hospital or having a funeral.
I thought about an epidural because I had read about other people's late miscarriages and stillbirths and they had said it was like real labor physically and harder emotionally. My first birth was 68 hours long and my second was short but intense so I knew all about real labor. I have no doubt in my ability to naturally labor and birth a live term baby, but I didn't know if I could do a real labor when I was going to birth a dead baby. Natural birth is usually intense and hard work - and you are doing it mostly for the amazing experience of meeting your baby without hindrance and with the intense euphoria from oxytocin (which your body does not have with pitocin or pain medications). It's also a spiritual experience for me and in the hospital birth becomes more of a medical experience that is very different. Another big reason I birth naturally is because of the risks of interventions to the baby. But none of that applied in this situation except for the spiritual experience. But I wasn't sure if that outweighed the drawbacks of the physical and emotional pain I thought I would experience.
I was crying and feeling like I was betraying my principles and all that I stood for, even talking about wanting an induction and epidural. I felt very conflicted on what to do and went back and forth about what I thought I wanted. I also had a lot of hesitation about doing this unassisted at home, without a midwife present, and having to possibly manage excessive bleeding on my own with Ryan's and Jody's help.
Jody reminded me that we didn't even know if the baby had for sure passed yet. She knew women who had their waters break about the same time but the baby was fine, so they were on strict bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy and their babies were born close to term. Regardless of viability at this stage. there is no way I would ever consent to inducing labor if my baby was still alive. I would not kill my baby for any reason. So the next step was to have an ultrasound and get more information before deciding anything about birth place.
First I had a a swab test done to see if it was really my amniotic sac that had broken and not urine, discharge, or fluid from a subchorionic hematoma. The test, which is fairly accurate, was negative for amniotic fluid. I know that the fluid I had was not urine or discharge. It was a substantial amount of fluid, crystal clear, and did not smell like urine.
They tried to find a heartbeat with the doppler but could only hear mine. This can be normal at 16 weeks. We then waited for an ultrasound which would tell us definitively if the baby had passed or not.
I was very clear with the ultrasound technician that we were literally only doing an ultrasound to see if the baby was still alive. I wanted and needed no other measurements and I normally do no ultrasounds during pregnancy. She said that she was required to do xyz measurements. Fine, whatever, I'm not going to fight with you.
I could see Cedric right away and he wasn't moving and I knew. I'm no expert on ultrasound, but as far as I know 16 week old babies don't act completely unresponsive when they have the high frequency sound waves shot at them. The tech didn't say much and she did all her measurements. I still was holding onto some hope. I asked her if she had seen any movement and she said no. Then she checked for a heart beat and there was none. All remaining hope instantly shattered.
The tech was very kind. She said everything looked structurally normal with the baby, the placenta looked normal and was posterior, the amniotic sac was intact and had plenty of fluid, there was no hematoma that she could see. I know that in many cases there are no medical explanations for miscarriage so that didn't surprise me. She did say that he was measuring at only 13 weeks and 6 days and that he had for sure passed then. I don't believe that. For one thing, many times babies will shrink when their heart stops. I also tend to grow "smaller" babies. I would think it's pretty normal for some babies to be smaller than others even at the beginning of pregnancy just like they are at birth. Also, when Cedric was born he did not look like he had died weeks before and his genitals were fairly prominent. At 13 weeks it's often difficult to tell gender. Even though Cedric only measured 3 inches from crown to rump, if I believe he died at 13 weeks that means I didn't have any positive experiences of pregnancy and I was sick the whole time. It means I didn't feel him moving. Ryan didn't feel him moving. And I didn't hear him kicking the fetoscope. I don't think I can go there.
So after this I wanted to go home and think about what I wanted to do. Our options were: wait for labor to start, cytotec induction at home, cytotec induction at the hospital with lots of cytotec that might end up in a D&C, or nonmedical induction at home. I really did not want the possibility of a D&C. I was not about to let a doctor that probably performed abortions cut my baby into pieces. I did not feel very comfortable with doing cytotec at home. Cytotec can be dangerous and cause longer, stronger, and more intense contractions than natural contractions. I was also still concerned about postpartum hemorrhage. Jody and I collectively knew friends and family who had had second trimester births and did not hemorrhage. The ones who did started labor naturally also said that it was not as hard as term labor.
I'm going to pause for a moment and talk about how Jody was absolutely amazing as a resource and support for me. I suppose she acted as doula but she is also my very good friend and I could not have done this without her. She helped with so many things during this entire process, both concrete practical things like supplies and researching and thinking through all my options, but also the emotional support and empathy. She is my rock. No one should have to go through a loss without a Jody.
By now it was late afternoon. I decided to wait and try any induction until the next day and see if my body would go into labor naturally during the night. I still had some cramping and bleeding but not much. I called our priest to ask about a funeral service and if we could bury the baby in the memorial garden at our church. She expressed her sympathy and said that will be fine and to keep her updated about when we want the service. Jody went with me to Hobby Lobby where we got a small box to bury the baby in, cloth to wrap his body in, and a garden stone for a grave marker. (We will get an engraved stone with their names and birth date later.)
When we got back the girls came home and we told them the baby had died. That was almost worse than finding out ourselves. They were both very excited about the baby and Audrey had said beforehand that she was worried about the baby dying. She cried so much when we told them. Ryan and I cried too. It is really hard to see your child in so much emotional pain over a really big thing. This was their first experience with death.
We told them that the baby had died and was in Heaven with Jesus. That the baby's body was still inside me and after he was born we would get to see and hold the baby's body, but that the baby himself was not here on Earth anymore. We didn't know why the baby had died. Most babies live but sometimes they don't and it is very sad. We will always love and remember the baby and he will live in our hearts. And we will see him again when we go to Heaven. Deidre said, "I want our baby to be alive."
Ryan's parents brought dinner and my cousin brought my mom from the airport so with all the people around I figured that my body was not going to do anything much for a while. (I did keep aware of any signs of infection during this entire process.) I felt very conflicted about lots of things. I wanted pain medication but also to do it naturally. I wanted to induce in some form but was afraid of labor. I wanted to be alone but also be with people. I wanted to give birth as soon as possible but also did not want to let my baby go. I would feel "okay" about everything and then totally devastated.
People left and we finally went to bed and I lay there for hours unable to sleep. My brain would not shut off and I was having stronger cramping and a bit more bleeding. I was so tired but it was more of an emotional tired than a physical one. I finally fell asleep around 3 am but woke every hour until 7 when the girls got up.
I thought and prayed about what to do, as I had been during the night. Since I was still having some cramping and bleeding I figured my body was close to doing this on its own and only needed a little push (or patience). With all my now available options, the risk of being pushed into a D&C at the hospital, and not wanting this process to drag out for days, I felt like I was only left with one good choice: herbal induction. I was very mad that because my baby "only" measured 13 weeks I was probably "not eligible" for a hospital birth that would include more induction options, pain medication besides IV narcotics, or nurses trained in loss like I would be if the baby had measured only a few weeks older. I was mad that they would offer to cut up your baby via D&C or send women home with cytotec to do this on their own, especially women who don't know about natural birth or who don't want one. But in hindsight I'm very happy with choosing to stay home.
Jody went to an herbal store in the cities when it opened at 10 and got blue and black cohosh, as well as yarrow and shepherd's purse tinctures to help with bleeding afterwards. I felt like this was the right choice for me and I wanted it to be over with already, but I also didn't want to let my baby go and I was afraid of the emotional and physical pain. So much fear during this entire process. I have never had so much fear before giving birth. I took pulsatilla to help with decision making and shortly afterwards felt ready to start the induction.
I have never thought I would induce myself because I am so comfortable with waiting until my baby is ready to be born, so it was weird to be doing this. I started the induction around 11:30 am. I held each tincture under my tongue before swallowing. It stung so much! I Around 1:30 pm I was finished with the induction. I felt very tired and wanted to go lie down alone in the bedroom. My mom had taken the girls out as planned. I wanted them to hold and see the baby if they wanted to after the birth but I didn't want them around during what I thought would be a difficult and painful birth, emotionally and physically. Ryan went downstairs and Jody went home.
I was unable to sleep so I watched The Office in my dark bedroom. I love The Office and had been saving it to rewatch during my babymoon. It didn't make me sad to watch it without my baby but I really enjoyed the comedic relief and it felt right to watch it now. I was having what I would describe as strong early labor contractions but there was no break - it was constant. I thought ok, this is early labor then. I was bleeding a bit more but not much. I did tell my baby that it was ok. That he could come out now. That we would both be ok.
After about an hour my eyes were getting really tired so I put on music instead. I started drifting off to sleep a bit despite the continued strong cramping. It still felt like easy early labor and I figured I had awhile to go yet. It was very peaceful to be laboring alone in my bedroom. I had always visualized birthing this baby in my bedroom. Deidre was born in the bedroom of our old house and it was very nice and had a sense of privacy and safety that the other parts of the house don't. I also labored alone with Deidre for most of labor and I really liked that.
I started feeling like the contractions were getting lighter. Sometimes herbal inductions can take hours to start working. I texted Jody that they were getting lighter and she suggested resting and waiting, going on a walk later, or trying clary sage oil or sepia homeopathy. I got the clary sage and started smelling it. Then my water broke (felt exactly the same as when I thought it had broken on Tuesday morning). I waited for the contraction to ease a bit and I got up to make sure it was my waters and not a lot of bleeding. As I stood up the baby slipped right out! I was SO surprised! I couldn't believe that labor was already over and it was SO easy! He was born at 3:40 pm on Wednesday, March 25th, 2020.
The baby slipped from my pad to my pants leg and I called out "HELP!" because my mom and Ryan were both downstairs. Ryan came in and helped me take my pants off and mom came in shortly after. I asked them to call Jody to come. She gave me a lot of practical support during third stage and took many wonderful pictures at my request.
I saw my beautiful, perfect son on my right thigh and I laid down on the bed holding him to my leg. "Oh! Look at him!" I cried. I thought his skin might be red but it was a light beige color. He felt very smooth and squishy. I was worried about him falling apart if I touched him but Ryan reminded me that he wouldn't. His bones were still cartilage and very flexible. He had all 10 fingers and toes, little eyes covered by little eyelids, a mouth that would open and close, a definite penis, and such a tiny, sweet umbilical cord. I laid him on a small square of blue cloth that I had chosen at Hobby Lobby. Blue for my favorite color, not because I knew he was a boy.
I felt SO much relief that he was born and that it was "over." I felt the adrenaline and oxytocin rush after a natural birth where are you so relieved and happy that you did it. And also sad that it was over and he was out, but then so much relief that I was done and had rocked it.
I was bleeding and was worried it was too much. Jody and Ryan looked and said it was not that much but I wanted to stay on top of it with the tinctures so I took those every 15 minutes.
During this the girls were watching tv. Audrey saw my mom and Ryan rushing to the room and knew the baby had been born. I said I wanted them to come in if they wanted to. Audrey wanted to see the baby but was understandably a bit squeamish about touching him or getting too close.
Deidre really wanted to see the baby and said "Wow!" She wanted to touch him, and we let her gently touch him. They didn't ask questions about him being dead and seemed to understand. Deidre had a lot of questions about my bleeding as he was still on my thigh. I pointed out his tiny arms and legs, fingers and toes.
I wanted to leave the umbilical cord intact. I had been contemplating a lotus birth already (not cutting the cord at all and waiting for it to naturally detach at the umbilicus) and that felt right. Unfortunately when I passed what I thought was the placenta but ended up being a large clot, it was stuck around the cord and as we pulled that away the cord broke.
The first placenta came out. It was a perfect, beautiful round circle with the cord attached right in the middle. A smooth side with the "tree of life" veins and a rough side that had been attached to my uterus. It was completely whole and the size of my palm.
3 minutes later the second placenta came out. It definitely wasn't a clot and also would not have fit into the other placenta at all. We could see a yellow area near the edge, which looked very different from the other placental tissue. Comparing to photos online we realized that this was the twin. 2 placentas, extreme morning sickness and fatigue, fundal height measuring high (I had checked it again right at 16 weeks and I measured 20 weeks), intuition. Twins. This baby had passed away much earlier and was absorbed into her placenta, but she was there. A human being with a unique, unrepeatable set of DNA even if she didn't look like a baby at this point.
It is really hard to tell in this picture, but Celeste is on the top right of this placenta.
Ryan and mom held Cedric and then Jody measured him, arranged his body and cord, and took more pictures.
This bunting was knitted by a dear friend for our baby
Ryan rubbed his body with oil to help preserve him. There was an option to put him in a saline solution to help preserve his body but neither one of us wanted to do that. We put him in the bunting and that into the box and slept with the box that night. Before we went to bed we picked out names. I liked Celeste because it means heavenly. Ryan chose Star for her middle name. I have always liked the name Cedric for a boy so we chose that and John was Ryan's grandpa. Cedric John for our big boy baby and Celeste Star for our absorbed twin.
This was taken about 6 hours after birth and you can see the cord is already completely dried out and that his body is starting to dry out too
During this process Ryan had asked me a few times what I thought I would feel most at peace with afterwards, regarding home or hospital, induction or not. At first I thought I wouldn't care afterwards what birth place or process I had chosen, but he was right. I am so glad I choose what I did and that I stayed home. I believe everything went exactly as it needed to and I had all the right support during the entire process. And mostly I feel so grateful that the herbal induction worked. I am so grateful that I did not choose to go to the hospital because if I had ended up with a D&C we never would have known about Celeste. In the aftermath I can say that I am very happy with my second trimester birth experience. It wasn't necessarily a happy experience but it was empowering and wonderful in its own way.
I slept better that night than I had the night before but I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. I felt more peaceful and more relief but I also cried a lot. I didn't want to part from them the next day but I also wanted it all to be over. I listened to the song 21 Years by TobyMac and cried a lot more.
The funeral was set for the next day, Thursday, at 3:30 pm. I spent the morning making the program with Jody (yet another thing I hadn't even thought of that she reminded me of!) and making last minute funeral arrangements. There was concern that it might not be legal to bury the babies and placentas in the memorial garden at our church. I did find a back up church where my friend had buried her younger than 20 weeks old baby. State law does not recognize babies born before 20 weeks as people so there are no laws regarding their burial. That made me angry because I knew it had to do with abortion but it also made the process easier for us as we didn't have any paperwork from a hospital or funeral home since this was a homebirth. Thankfully it worked out and we were able to bury the babies as planned at our church.
It was odd to feel postpartum, but yet not really postpartum like you are with a live baby. I have healed very quickly compared to my other births and bled much less. My abdomen is nearly back to it's pre-pregnancy state already. I suppose I also have the feeling of "postpartum but not" because I'm not nursing and sleeping with a baby. Even though it feels like it's "not really" postpartum, I know it is. I still gave birth to 2 babies. I still have 2 placental sites in my uterus to heal. I still have some of the same postpartum hormones. But as far as experiences go this feels more like my first trimester, where I laid in bed because I was too sick to get up. That was difficult physically and emotionally while postpartum with a live baby is usually such a happy, wonderful time.
Ryan and I have also discussed how this experience is actually easier in some ways than infertility was. Infertility drags on and on. You have no closure. It is a slow burn and there is a lot of uncertainty about what will happen. If you will ever get pregnant. Having babies die is a huge, intense shock, but you have closure. You are not left in lingo, uncertain about what will happen. Because it has already happened and you can fully grieve about the past without also having your eyes on the future.
People also understand this type of grief more. And maybe it was because I was 16 weeks compared to very early in pregnancy. People don't always understand why you would be so devastated while going through infertility. They don't know the cycle of great hope and then despair that you go through every month. And the long, long moments of slow painful waiting to see if this is the month that "worked."
The previous night Ryan had told the girls that we found out it was actually twins. Deidre didn't really understand since there was only one body that was visibly a baby but Audrey did understand. She made a little card for them and put a beaded bunny for the Cedric and a bead for Celeste into the box. She had a lot of questions for me about heaven that I tried to answer the best I could. Such as: will they play with their toys? Is everyone in heaven naked? Is heaven in the clouds? How do you not fall through the clouds?
It was nice having the girls around, doing cute things and snuggling with us. The house would have felt so lonely and sad if I didn't have other children playing in the background, asking me questions, and cuddling in bed with me. I have always been so grateful for my daughters, but I feel especially grateful now that God has blessed me with them.
Right before we left for the funeral, we had to put the lid on the box. That was very difficult for Ryan and I. Audrey said goodbye and watched us shut the box. Deidre was upset that we had put the lid on and wanted to open it.
The funeral service was lovely. Our immediate families and close friends attended. The hardest part of course was having to give up the box to Ryan to put into the grave. And Audrey sobbing as Ryan cried during the speech he gave.
"Is it just across the Jordan?
Or a city in the stars?
Are you singing with the Angels?
Are you happy where you are?
Well until this show is over
And you run into my arms
God has you in Heaven
But I have you in my Heart"
- 21 Years by TobyMac
