Beautiful Things Are Happening

The theme of my pregnancy after a 16 week miscarriage seemed to be "I knew that pregnancy after loss would be hard, but I didn't know it would be THIS hard." The hardest part was knowing there was no guarantee of a living baby. And having to wait 9+ months to be able to see if she would make it. Even after your baby is born, you're not really "safe," because with life comes the possibility of death. But after they're born you can at least just look at them and know that they're still alive. Even though I believe in the inherent safety of birth (as opposed to believing it’s a medical emergency with a high risk of death), getting past the birth seemed like a big milestone.

Pregnancy after loss is often very difficult and that is why it's called a "rainbow pregnancy" and the baby is called a "rainbow baby." The "rainbow" part refers to the joy a baby brings after the storm of loss and also reflects the difficult journey of a pregnancy after a loss.

My other pregnancies I had virtually no fear of loss. I knew it was possible but it just didn't seem likely, similar to how most people view their healthy older children dying. Of course you know that anyone can die at any moment but the thought doesn't consume you. This pregnancy I worried a lot. Sometimes it was obsessive. The first 2/3 of pregnancy I was consumed by anxiety and depression at times, to the point where I had trouble sleeping and doing everyday tasks. The anxiety was always worse at night, which is also when I had the most cramping (I had a lot of cramping throughout pregnancy that no one could explain). Many nights Ryan and I would be watching tv and I would feel the cramping getting more intense and I would tell him “I’m going to start bleeding any minute!” as my anxiety ramped up into a panic attack.

I also had a lot of insomnia, nightmares, and night waking. I tried several things: homeopathy, relaxation scripts, prayer, EMDR therapy, and some of it took the edge off but nothing worked completely. The anxiety and sleep disturbances were directly related to the amount of cramping I was having. I would try to alleviate the cramping with things like epsom salt baths, calcium magnesium supplements, hydrating, resting, believeing it was possibly due to dehydration and overdoing it physically. That worked some of the time. As my pregnancy progressed I went from worrying about a miscarriage to worrying about a premature birth.

One night when I was 27 weeks nothing I was doing would help the cramping so we went to St John's L&D. They didn’t see any discernible contractions on the monitor and did an ultrasound to measure my cervical length. The doctor, whom I had seen previously for a consultation after my miscarriage and whom I trusted, reassured me that since I had gone to term in my first two pregnancies, since I wasn’t having actual contractions, and since my cervix looked great, it was very unlikely that I would go into labor early. After that the cramping slowed down considerably while I continued to have normal braxton hicks (which always felt different and I knew it was common to have a lot of strong braxton hicks in a 4th pregnancy). In hindsight I think the cramping was partly caused by my mental state.

After hitting each “milestone” in my pregnancy I would feel better: 7 weeks (my first ultrasound), 12 weeks (miscarrige rate drops considerably after this point and we heard the heartbeat on doppler), 16 weeks (when I lost the twins), 20 weeks (second ultrasound), 22 weeks (earliest viability), 24 weeks (most hospitals will intervene to save a premature baby at this point), 27 weeks (third ultrasound and hospital visit), 34 weeks (very good chance of survivability for premature baby), and 37 weeks (safe to have a homebirth).

As I reached each milestone my fear shifted from miscarriage to preterm birth to stillbirth. As I went into the third trimester it did help a lot that I was able to find her heartbeat with my fetoscope and feel her moving several times a day. Earlier than that I would spend days and even weeks coping with anxiety and depression, wondering if my baby was still alive. The anxiety improved by reaching the milestones, reassuring prenatal appointments, and getting farther into pregnancy, but it didn’t completely go away until after she was born. Now at 5 weeks postpartum I feel like my regular self once again.

This past year I have been consumed by fear and by and trying everything I can to overcome that fear and to trust that God has the best plan for me. Having covid restrictions and other disturbing things happening politically and socially at this time contributed to my anxiety. It has been weird that covid restrictions started right when my miscarriage happened, lasted through my entire rainbow pregnancy, and mostly ended (for now) right when my pregnancy ended! My anxiety and depression also started and ended around the same times. I know the two things are separate but because of the timing they have felt very interconnected for me.

I have also definitely felt the contagious fear of death and that definitely contributed to my anxiety. It is interesting that before covid, it seems like society wasn't concerned with death and now people are obsessed with fear of the knowledge that they will one day die. Unlike a lot of people, I don't fear death for myself. I would rather die when I'm old and not now when I have a young family, but I do know that if it's my time, it's my time. And when I die I will go to Heaven. What I feared during pregnancy is having to live through the death of another child, especially because I really didn't think I could physically or mentally go through yet another pregnancy with no guarantee of a live baby. I had mourned the twins and accepted their deaths but I didn't know how I could do it again with no hope of ever having a living baby at that point.

In early second trimester I also heard about several women I knew all having miscarriages at the same time. It really freaked me out and made me wonder if something terrible had been released into the environment (the elitists, such as Bill Gates, are all about depopulation after all!). It's interesting how when you are pregnant you are SO influenced by your environment and the people surrounding you .

Physically this was my hardest term pregnancy by far, perhaps partly because I am now much older. Not only with the cramping but I was also so much more tired, achy, and I had trouble sleeping. I didn’t exercise as much as I should have and I gained a lot more weight than I did in my first two pregnancies. I did do cranial sacral therapy and that helped some (chiropractic has never really done much for me). The physical and mental difficulties combined had me super convinced that this was our last baby!

This pregnancy I also chose a lot of medical interventions that I normally wouldn't. Some I consider to be necessary with little to no risk, such as taking bioidentical progesterone supplements and folate instead of folic acid. But others I have really struggled with and feel guilty about choosing, such as multiple ultrasounds (which do have risks for the baby). At the time I absolutely needed the ultrasounds for my mental health, as I needed to know that my baby was alive and healthy and that my cervix was not dilating. But that doesn't negate the harm that may have been caused to my baby. I wish I had been able to trust God and His design for pregnancy and birth, but it was hard when I felt like my body had already failed me once in keeping my babies safe.

Interestingly, I had little concern about how breastfeeding would go, even though I technically had trouble with my supply when Audrey was an older baby (long story I wrote about in previous blogs but the abbreviated version is that she had severe kidney reflux that we didn’t know about until she felt so sick that she drastically reduced her intake during nursing and lost a lot of weight. After a hospital stay and many medical interventions, including surgery, her kidneys are working well and she has been on track for growth since about 18 months old. But she initially she declined so drastcially in such a short amount of time I do believe that she was in danger of dying if we hadn't insisted on hospitalizing her.) I believed that once my baby was here everything would be fine, including nursing and weight gain.

And that, thankfully, has been what’s happened! I’ve had the normal ups and downs (and going through the death of my last grandparent) but overall my postpartum has been so wonderful and joyous! It has actually been so good that Ryan and I both wish we could have another baby! The newborn phase has been my favorite phase by far with each of the girls and it’s a shame it goes by so fast. I have tried hard to savor and enjoy each moment even when I’m sleep deprived or I can’t get Lily to settle down. I suppose that is part of our biology - we quickly forget how hard the pregnancy and birth was so we will get pregnant with another baby. As my friend once said, “when it’s good, it’s SO good!” I am so grateful to finally have my baby and to have postpartum be SO good.

Saturday, May 22, 2021

The Birth of Lily Cynthia

This pregnancy was very difficult emotionally. I will be writing about that in another post. I haven't been able to really talk about it much yet besides with close family and friends.

Labor started with my water breaking on Thursday at 2:30 am (just like how my miscarriage started). It was clear, I had no signs of infection, and baby was doing well so I decided on watchful waiting for the time being. Usually contractions start on their own within 24 hours of membranes rupturing. Ryan and I went back to bed after notifying the midwife. I had occasional strong cramping but not any real contractions. It took me awhile to fall back asleep because I was excited and knew that sometimes labor goes fast after the water breaks (especially for a 3rd full term pregnancy).

Thursday during the day I kept waiting and hoping contractions would start but nothing did. My midwife came to check on me and baby and we were both doing great. I was worried that my body wouldn't go into labor on its own even though I knew logically that would be pretty unlikely. I wasn't sure how comfortable I was waiting many days for labor to start on it own. The risk of infection does increase with time, but it is a very small increase. The real risk increases when you have vaginal exams, of which I was not having any. But the fear of losing another baby was still pretty strong at times and I definitely made medical decisions this pregnancy that I never would have if I hadn't lost the twins.

Another big fear I had was having to transfer to the hospital. A hospital birth is nothing at all like the homebirths I have, and especially with covid paranoia still rampant it would be even worse. Although of course I would do anything medically necessary for the health of me and baby, a hospital birth, especially if it could have been avoided, would have been very traumatic. I would likely not have been "allowed" to do things like catch my own baby, have uninterrupted time with baby after birth, have my older daughters present at the birth, etc.

So with all of this I was considering "natural" induction techniques to help ensure that birth would happen while she and I were still doing well versus waiting too long and then running out of options. I discussed all of this with Ryan and he was all for inducing labor! (He was super excited and impatient to hold his baby!)

The first things I tried on Thursday night were taking a long walk and pumping for 2 hours while we watched a funny movie. The walking was to help her head engage in my pelvis (she was still pretty far up, which is not uncommon for a 3rd full term pregnancy). The pumping and funny movie were to encourage a good flow of oxytocin in my system, which is the hormone that makes the uterus contract.

I went to bed on Thursday hoping that I would wake up in the middle of night in labor. I did have some stronger contractions but they were 1-2 hours apart. So while my body was progressing some it wasn't enough to start real labor.

Friday I decided I needed to do an herbal induction, which is the same thing I did for my miscarriage. I do wonder if emotionally I needed to have a "redo" of that experience with a positive outcome. Although I would not have chosen this path and was upset at the time, ultimately it was very healing to have labor start the same way. Kind of like rewriting my miscarriage. Early in my pregnancy I did EMDR therapy and some of the exercises involved "rewriting" your traumatic experience with what you wish had happened. In hindsight that's kind of what ended up happening - all the negative parts of my miscarriage were positive in my birth.

My friend, Jody, and I took a long walk that morning and discussed my situation. I felt like I was, once again this pregnancy, betraying my principles of trusting my body and trusting birth. It helped a lot to talk this over with someone who understands (Jody used to be a childbirth educator and doula and has 4 children she birthed naturally). I cried and prayed about this when I got home and ultimately felt like I was making the right decision.

My midwife came over in the afternoon to help me with the induction. There is some risk with even "natural " induction techniques so she monitored my vitals and baby's heart rate after each round of the herbal tinctures. Everything went well and after dinner I started early labor. I was worried things would just stop so Ryan took the kids downstairs and I listened to Christian music in my bedroom with the curtains pulled shut trying to get out of my head. I switched between standing at my dresser swaying my hips and sitting on the birth ball doing figure eights (both of which can help the baby's head descend through the pelvis).

In order for the hormones of natural birth to work optimally, a woman needs to be in the more instinctive, primitive part of her brain versus her neocortex, the thinking part of her brain. This usually happens without effort but sometimes overanalyzing the situation and emotional issues can be strong enough to interfere with the natural flow of hormones and can even stop active labor. So by being alone in my bedroom with music on I was trying to get out of my "thinking" brain and into my "birthing" brain! The darkness and privacy of my bedroom also helped, because the hormones flow best when a woman feels private, safe, and unobserved.

I also thought about my twins and cried and prayed more. I did the same things (be alone in my dark bedroom, listen to music, cry, and pray) after inducing labor with them and it felt right to be in a similar situation at this point.

At about 9pm I was getting tired so I layed in bed but she was moving so much between contractions and they were getting pretty strong that it was hard to rest. I decided to give up resting and went into the dining room to labor alone while Ryan tried to sleep. (I hate feeling watched during labor unless I'm close to the end!) During this whole time I kept timing contractions and analyzing what was going on. I was still worried that labor wouldn't keep progressing. Even though I knew that I needed to it was hard to get out of my head as an experienced homebirth mama and birth worker.

Around midnight contractions were getting stronger although still spaced out. I woke Ryan to do counter pressure on my back and I checked in with my midwife about the baby moving so strongly. She had me use my fetoscope to check her heart tones. All was good and my midwife started to make her way here since she lives an hour away.

I finally stopped timing contractions and I think that helped me to get out of my head and progress faster. I started vocalizing during contractions and that helped a lot with managing the intensity. I switched between standing at the dining room table and leaning over it during contractions with kneeling on the floor leaning over the birth ball. I didn't want counter pressure anymore so Ryan went around doing little things to get ready, like turning on the video camera and the lights by the tub.

The midwives arrived about 2am and Jody came over (she helped with the older girls, Audrey and Deidre, took pictures, and prepped my placenta for smoothies.) Contractions were intense at this point so I got into the tub. I was still playing music from my phone. I made a "birth" playlist and had a variety of Christian and Indie music. I also listened some to a Christian hypnobirthing app. I had planned on using some Hypnobabies tracks too like I did in Deidre's birth but I never felt the urge to switch to that.

The birth tub in the little room off the dining room. Normally this is the girls' playroom.

After a few contractions I checked to see how low her head was. I seem to do this every time right around transition. I love feeling their little heads while they're still inside and seeing if they have hair! It can be really motivating to get through that last, intense part of labor when you feel how close you are to holding them in your arms!

I was irritated to feel that she was high and I still had cervix left. I was hoping her head would be "right there" as Deidre's was when I checked with her. I complained to my midwife about having "so much cervix left" and she suggested leaning back in the tub to help dilate the anterior lip faster.

Jody and Ryan went to wake up the girls (I have no idea how they slept through all my vocalizing!) And they came to watch labor a bit. I was worried I was scaring them with how loud I was but my husband said later they were fine. We had prepared by watching lots of homebirth videos, most of which showed women vocalizing (I am always loud during birth. I don't know how women can keep that energy inside!)

About a half hour later I felt that I still had cervix left and labor was starting to slow a bit. My midwife suggested I get out of the tub, pee, walk around, maybe try the stairs and that would probably be enough to get rid of the lip. I sat on the toilet for 2 intense contractions, knowing that it would be even more intense on the toilet but that doing so is often a very helpful position in labor. I felt a bit of a pop with the second contraction and had some bloody show, which I think was her head coming over that last bit of cervix.

Then I walked into the living room. My midwife said "you can hop back into the tub now!" But I thought "Nope! Not gonna make it!" as I started having a really intense contraction. I called Ryan over to lean on him. The two midwives came over with a chux pad to put on the hardwood floor for any blood and to make sure she didn't fall if I was unable to catch her. (I had my main midwife I see for all appointments and a secondary midwife that only came for the birth.)

My body pushed her out only to her mouth, which I thought was her entire head, so my midwife said I needed to push her head out the rest of the way. Then I stopped and waited for another contraction as I held her head in my hands. She started moving her mouth, which meant she was trying to start breathing. My midwife told me to push her the rest of the way out even though I wasn't having a contraction. I felt her shoulders rotate and pushed super hard because I knew my midwife would not tell me to do anything unless it was absolutely necessary (she is more hands off and knew that I didn't want any "help" unless it was actually needed. Sometimes care providers do a lot of routine things that aren't necessary and I didn't want any of that.)

I caught my baby and pulled her up to my belly. I thought for sure I tore a bunch as she was so bloody! I ended up only having some small internal tears. This was my first birth that I did not have a bad tear. Recovery has been so easy!

She cried right away and I talked to her as I felt that insane high of oxytocin wash over me. I couldn't believe she was finally here and I was finally holding my baby after that long year of heartache and fear. I saw her beautiful blue cord and verified that the ultrasound was correct for her gender. I told my midwife "I'm done! With this part!" (referring to still having the placenta to birth). She was born about 48 hours post water rupture at 3:35 am. My midwives wiped my legs off and helped me walk the few feet to the couch to sit for third stage.

During this Jody had been reading a book about homebirth to the girls on the couch and said "this is where your mom is in labor" showing a picture of the mom walking around. Then as I started pushing she said "nope, I guess we're on this page where the mom is pushing!" Ironically the woman in the book also births standing up!

Jody told the girls to stay on the couch to watch and rushed over to grab the video camera, which was still in the little room off the dining room. She managed to catch the birth on film.The girls were super excited but did a great job of sitting still and watching quietly!

As I sat on the couch we all bonded as a family. Audrey was crying and said "I'm just so happy!" The miscarriage was really hard on them too and she's had a lot of fears about this baby. They liked touching her head while I nursed her and asked about the placenta. Ryan made a joke about birthing the placenta being my favorite part and Deidre said seriously "My favorite part was when the baby was born!"

Lily latched on a few minutes after birth and nursed pretty much the entire first hour. I had minimal bleeding and was able to birth my own placenta about 40 minutes after. I held Lily face down on my right arm while I guided the placenta out with my left.

I haven't been able to get my own placentas out myself, I have needed the midwife to pull it out, so birthing the placenta on my own was important to me. I also hemorrhaged during my miscarriage and needed pitocin as the herbs used to stop bleeding weren't working. I felt very unwell and was actually scared that I was going to die (although I knew logically that I hadn't lost quite that much blood and that we would call 911 and transfer to to the hospital before that point). The two tiny placentas from the twins were also difficult to get out and I required lots of help. So not only having to birth dead babies was traumatic but third stage was traumatic as well. Having both minimal bleeding and birthing my own placenta this time was very empowering and healing, another "rewriting" of my miscarriage.

I was looking forward to seeing my placenta. I used to do placenta encapsulation and in general I find placentas fascinating. They are a brand new organ your body grows during pregnancy that is essential for your baby. Placentas provide the baby with oxygen and nutrients via the umbilical cord veins and the umbilical artery carries away waste. I find it really sad that our society and most care providers regard placentas as "medical waste" and just throw them away after birth.

My placenta was pretty small but healthy. The size of the placenta usually correlates with the size of the baby and Lily was 6.15. Jody prepped my placenta for smoothies and I drank 1 smoothie every day with a chunk of raw placenta in it. Placenta smoothies taste just like smoothie and there are many benefits to eating your placenta. I also did this with Deidre's placenta. (Go here for more info on eating the placenta)

(Birth nerd note: my placenta was a partial circummarginate placenta, which means the chorionic membranes - the fetal side of the placenta - insert inward from the margin of placental edge. It basically looks like a white ring around the edge of the placenta. Sometimes it can cause intrauterine growth restriction. My midwife said she sees this placenta variation a lot, even before covid, and that she doesn't necessarily find it correlated with intrauterine growth restriction.)

Showing the girls and Ryan the fetal side of my placenta. Lily is under the towel, nursing.

Ryan, Audrey, and Deidre with Lily. You can see her cord and that she is still attached to the placenta, which is in a bowl in front of Ryan.

About an hour after birth we went into the bedroom and did cord burning, which was a really nice way to separate the placenta. Cord burning is a slower, more ceremonial way to separate the placenta than cutting. I bought a wooden box made especially for cord burning off Etsy. It had a notch on each side: two for the cord to drape across and two for candle holders. I held Lily in a blanket and she nursed while Ryan and I each held a lit candle to the cord.

During this we played the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. That song was played at our wedding and has always been special to me. It was a perfect fit for our rainbow baby!

It took a little over 10 minutes for the cord to burn through. There wasn't much smell and no smoke, although it did pop a few times blowing the candles out. When finished the cord stump was longer than if it had been cut so I tied it in a knot. It dried very quickly and fell off at 3 days. (We also used goldenseal powder at the base to help it dry faster)

My midwife did the newborn exam, during most of which I held Lily.

This is how babies are weighed at homebirths! My midwife knits and she made this sling.

Lily wants to nurse again!

After the birth team left we all spent most of the day in the bedroom, bonding as a family. There is nothing better than being in your own bed with your newborn right after birth! It was such a magical day and Audrey kept saying "This is the most special day ever!" We were all so happy that Lily was finally here and healthy, and that I was blessed with such an empowering and healing birth.

I wore this necklace during birth. It was made for me during my Blessingway by each friend bringing a bead(s) that symbolized hopes for my birth. I have had Blessingways instead of baby showers for my last 2 term pregnancies and they are such a special way to prepare for birth!

You can read more about Blessingways here.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Trusting in the Midst of Grief

In the days after my miscarriage all I could think about was having another baby. I deeply felt that our family was not complete and that I did not want to end my fertility journey with this loss. I have always felt set apart from others in how intensely and for how long I have wanted to have babies. In college all I really wanted was to be a mom. I couldn't wait to finish school, get married (my husband and I have been together since high school), fully become an adult, and get pregnant. I even researched birth related topics and wrote papers for a research class.

Once we had been married for about 6 months, I was more than ready to start our family! I started learning about the fertility cycle, how to chart your temperature and other fertility signs, and ways to naturally increase your odds of getting pregnant. Our infertility journey before we had our first daughter was long and difficult. It was the first really hard thing I had gone through in life. I had a "break" from infertility while I was pregnant and my daughter was young but I knew I wanted more children. So I had to go through the process again and this time different issues came up. After another long and difficult time, we had our second daughter.

This third time I thought I had everything finally figured out, and indeed we did get pregnant on the first try. But a part of me was not surprised when the babies died and it turned out I have another long and hard journey ahead of me in order to (hopefully) finally get my baby. I know it doesn't necessarily work this way, but I am hoping that I have gone through that difficult part of trying to get pregnant now, which seems to happen every time, and that maybe things will go well from here.

So this has been a really big part of my life for over 10 years. 10 years, with breaks in between, of being focused on the intense struggles of just trying to complete our family.

I have prayed every day since my miscarriage that if I cannot or am not supposed to have another baby, that God would take this desire out of my heart and replace it with contentment. But it never wavers. It is as intense as it ever was.

I was discussing this with a kind friend who said she believes that good, deep desires such as this do not come from us alone, but are given to us by God. So now I wonder if God has given me such an intense desire to have children because He didn't want me to give up when it got really hard.

And it has been so very hard at times. We have a unique infertility situation where I think most people would not have decided to not try again after this 16 week loss. I think most people, if in our situation, would have accepted having two children and moved on. I can't. I really wish I could because to risk getting pregnant again is to risk another loss. But I just can't let this be the end of my story.

So after deciding that we are not meant to be done having children yet, I had to navigate the hows. I wanted to do everything I could to prevent another miscarriage from happening. I thought that if I could figure that piece out, I would feel more confident about our chances. I also regard all life as precious and I did not want to be flippant about my babies lives. I did not want to go through more miscarriages before I decided that there was something medically wrong that I needed to address.

I went to an OB who is well known for helping women with infertility and recurrent miscarriage and who uses NaPro technology. Essentially, NaPro can help prevent miscarriage by supplementing with bioidentical progesterone if the woman has low levels of natural progesterone. The OB thought that low progesterone may have played a role in my miscarriage. He said that the protocol at their clinic is to closely monitor HCG levels (which aren't always accurate. And I don't want to know ahead of time if my baby is "probably" going to die), lots of ultrasounds (when pressed he admitted that they are mostly for mom's peace of mind and rarely do medical decisions change because of early pregnancy ultrasound results. Basically there's little you can do to prevent a miscarriage if things don't look good on ultrasound). He also suggested to do a full clotting panel to make sure I didn't have any conditions that can cause miscarriage.

The clotting panel showed that I have the most mild type of MTHFR - heterozygous A1298C. People with MTHFR cannot process synthetic folic acid into folate, so they have to avoid foods with added synthetic folic acid and take vitamins with natural folate instead of the typical folic acid. Sometimes MTHFR can cause miscarriage.

I was really surprised and distressed to learn I have MTHFR. I have no symptoms and have taken synthetic folic acid in the past. Of course I started researching MTHFR like crazy, joined several Facebook groups, read books. Most of the information I found was inconclusive at best and contradictory at worst. I tried taking this recommended form of folate called methylated folate. My anxiety was through the roof. I had trouble sleeping and just basic level functioning during the day. Severe anxiety is a side effect of methylated folate and my indecision about what to do in my next pregnancy was amplifying everything tenfold. One of the most difficult decisions for me was deciding whether to take daily low dose aspirin.

MTHFR can cause blood clotting issues as well. The theory behind low dose aspirin is that it crosses into the placenta and prevents clots that can lead to the baby's death. I really did not feel comfortable with taking this drug during pregnancy even though I tried to convince myself it was the right thing to do. No drugs have ever been proven to be 100% safe for an unborn baby. My oldest daughter's kidney abnormalities may have been tied to an antidepressant I was on during her pregnancy. I heavily researched aspirin and found that there are several severe risks to the baby. But if I decided not to take aspirin there was the risk that another baby might die. I thought maybe having two healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies previously was just luck and that maybe I go too far down the natural route sometimes.

The research on my specific type of MTHFR was very unhelpful. Mostly because there is very little research on it. Some experts say it is just as bad as the more extreme form, some say it has little to no effect on health. The Facebooks groups I was in were divided as well. What to do? Who to believe?

I kept researching, did more blood work on my thyroid (another huge rabbit hole) and overall nutritional status. I consulted with other practitioners in the area, most of whom wanted to sell me their expensive services and products. I reached a point of extreme anxiety and fear. And this was what I wanted to avoid most.

In pregnancy after loss, it is very common for women to have a lot of fear and anxiety. This is very understandable as their sense of safety has been torn away. So many women turn to more medical care during pregnancy to provide reassurance and a safety net. They have lots of testing and ultrasounds done to help them feel like everything is alright. The problem is those tests aren't always accurate and ultrasounds carry risks, one of which actually is miscarriage. And many women don't even feel relieved for long afterwards. They spend their entire pregnancies in a state of intense anxiety and fear that their baby is going to die. I do not want this for myself. I'm sure that I will have some difficult times in my next pregnancy (assuming I will get pregnant again) but I refuse to spend 9 months in agony for something that, at the end of the day, I cannot even control.

I had a long talk with my friend Jody who asked me if maybe I was delving so deep into everything as part of my grieving process. That maybe I was trying to find out what happened and exert a sense of control over my next pregnancy that I might not be able to have. I also discussed this issue, trying to figure out whether to go a more medical route or not, with other women who decided not to go the medical route in a pregnancy after loss. I decided that I needed to make decisions that were right for me regardless of what all the "experts" said.

Taking aspirin during pregnancy is not right for me. Hiring an OB who is medically minded and will push lots of tests and ultrasounds, as kind and well meaning as he is, is not right for me. Taking methylated folate is not right for me. Obsessing about my thyroid not being picture perfect and making difficult lifestyle choices because of that, which may do more harm than good, is not right for me.

Taking vitamin E instead of aspirin is right for me. Of course there's no research on this but I have seen it recommended in several places as an alternative of sorts to aspirin and it does not carry the same risks. Taking food derived folate is right for me. Hiring homebirth midwives who are trained in the NaPro technology and who can empathize with my loss and my desire to mostly avoid the medical path, is right for me. Using supplemental bioidentical progesterone is right for me. I have not found any risks to the baby with bioidentical progesterone and I do have some indications that low progesterone might be an issue for me - specifically that I have a short luteal phase. So I am not against all interventions, but I am against the ones that carry risks and increase anxiety without any clear benefits.

I had to come back to the place of trusting my body, trusting my baby, and trusting pregnancy and birth. Trusting the process, as it has been so exquisitely designed by God, has always deeply resonated with me. My pregnancies and births have been such amazing and indescribable spiritual journeys instead of medical procedures. I will always be grateful for the gift of that insight. Trying to go against that was causing me intense anxiety and distress and I needed to lean back into what God has shown me to be true.

This entire experience has been a time of tremendous spiritual growth. I have reacted so differently to this situation than I have reacted to negative situations in the past. Normally I get very angry at God and blame Him for not intervening, and then push Him away. This time I have really leaned, so deep, into my faith. I wonder if that is what He is using this terrible experience for. To teach me to trust in Him more, to lean on Him more. To trust that if another baby is meant to be, she will be. And to trust that if another baby is not meant to be, that I will be ok.

This all sounded so cliche to me in the past. It really resonates with me now. And most days I feel much more peace than anxiety. I am still mourning for my babies. I don't think that will ever really "go away." I still have my moments of doubt. But now instead of feeling overwhelming hopelessness I feel hopeful.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

The Birth Story of Cedric John and Celeste Star: Born into Heaven at 16 weeks

This is such a hard story to write. Just like most people, I never thought I would be in this situation and it still feels surreal. I'm writing this 72 hours after it first started. It feels like so long ago but also like such a short time has passed. I have found a lot of contradictory feelings during this whole process. The most prominent one being that while I am so sad my babies are not here on earth with us, I am also so relieved and happy that they are in Heaven with Jesus. They never knew anything except my warmth and my love. And now they know nothing except the perfect love of God. I know I will see them again when I go to Heaven and that does bring me comfort and joy.

I have suffered a lot with infertility, the difficult birth of my first daughter, serious medical problems when she was a year old, infertility again, and now the loss of my twins. Some people have said it seems especially unfair that we should have to suffer this burden after everything else we've gone through. Strangely, I do not feel angry with God like I did when we went through infertility. I do not feel outrage at our circumstances and the unfairness of life after the fall of man. I feel sadness yes, but also peace. Maybe the anger will come in time.

I had felt like this pregnancy would be my last for many reasons. Trying to get pregnant has always been a horrible and difficult time emotionally. This time I saw a therapist, which helped, but it was still very hard. We were so blessed to get pregnant on the first try (previously it took 2 years and 1 year) and we found out on Christmas Day. Everyone was very excited, including our daughters Audrey (7) and Deidre (3).

First trimester was unbelievably difficult. I had morning sickness in my previous two pregnancies, but it was fairly manageable. This time it felt like I was run over by a truck while on a wildly rocking boat. Both the nausea and fatigue were unreal. I was basically bedridden during February. Sleeping was great because it provided some relief. I tried lots of natural remedies and finally resorted to a half dose of the B6 and Unisom combo. That helped take the edge off enough so I wasn't throwing up several times a day. For me to even consider using pharmaceutical drugs meant I was really desperate. I usually don't take anything unless I'm dying, especially in pregnancy. My oldest daughter had kidney defects which were possibly due to an antidepressant I was on during her pregnancy.

I was really worried that extreme nausea would last the entire pregnancy and I didn't know if I could do it. It felt like I was in the transition phase of labor where you say "I can't do this anymore!" And then the baby comes out.

This experience further convinced me that this was our last baby. I really never wanted to go through the emotional and physical experiences of trying to get pregnant or first trimester again. I was so miserable that I regretted getting pregnant, and then I felt guilty about that. I didn't blame my baby but was mad at my body for reacting this way to the hormones.

Since I was having such extreme symptoms I had absolutely no worries about how the baby was doing. I felt like my body was falling apart but that baby was healthy and thriving. Morning sickness is usually a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Normally during pregnancy I have a little anxiety about loss because I know how common it is in the first trimester. But this time I was completely at peace. I did suspect twins but I also knew that the extreme symptoms might mean an opposite gender baby than I've carried before (boy) or could simply be a fluke.

I normally choose not to have any routine prenatal ultrasounds or blood tests to check on hormone levels. I've done a lot of research over the years on these, and other, pregnancy and birth choices and know that they are not risk free. I also feel strongly about tuning into my body and my baby during pregnancy instead of relying solely on what outside experts say, especially those who are not on the same page about birth. Now I kind of wish I had done an early ultrasound, just so we would have had the joy of knowing about both babies while they were alive, instead of just the sadness of finding out after. But we don't know when the absorbed twin passed so ultrasound may not have seen her anyways.

At just after 13 weeks I finally started to feel better. I was so excited to get past the worst part of pregnancy and into the fun part where I would start to look pregnant and feel my baby moving. I did start feeling movement around this time as well, very subtle and not everyday, just like you would expect. My energy and appetite quickly returned and I focused on following the Brewer's Diet and getting some gentle exercise while also resting plenty.

15 weeks and 2 days

I also measured my fundal height for fun and noticed that I was measuring a few weeks ahead. Normally I measure small so I thought this was interesting. I knew that fundal height isn't always very accurate and that there are lots of reasons for measuring large, especially for a third pregnancy. I never had a super strong feeling that it was twins but it was always in the back of my mind. I have always wanted twins, and thought it would be awesome to "break twin myths" as I would most likely birth my twins at home full term, nurse them exclusively and for years, etc.

My two favorite experiences of this pregnancy were hearing Cedric kick the fetoscope and when Ryan felt the baby moving. I was right at 16 weeks when I decided to use my fetoscope for fun to see if I could hear anything yet. Usually 16 weeks is too early but it can be possible to hear a heartbeat. I did not hear my placenta (I figured it was posterior since I had been feeling movement almost everyday) and I did not hear a heartbeat. But I did hear thumps several times that were not consistent like my own heart beat and did not sound like my intestines or other bodily noises. Now, I'm no expert with using the fetoscope by any means - it does take a lot of skill and practice to use correctly. I've only used it during my pregnancy with Deidre. But I do think those thumps were Cedric kicking at the fetoscope.

A few nights later Ryan and I were watching Third Rock From the Sun and relaxing. I felt a LOT of movement both inside and out. Still very subtle, but very much there. Ryan came and felt very patiently and he was able to feel it too! It was a really nice moment to have together.

Two mornings after that on Tuesday, when I was 16 weeks and 4 days, I was half awake at 7:30 am and having weird dreams. I kept half waking up due to strong braxton hicks. I had been feeling braxton hicks off and on since early pregnancy and knew this can be normal for a third pregnancy so I wasn't very worried. I thought "when I wake up I'll drink a lot of water and take an epsom salt bath and they should go away." Then I felt my water break. I woke up Ryan saying "Ryan. My water broke." I did not feel an immediate sense of despair but felt calm, detached, and like I was still in a dream. I think I knew deep down at this point that the babies had already passed away. Ryan immediately jumped out of bed and cried out "No! Nooo!" I told him to be careful not to wake up the girls but it was too late.

I had him call Jody (friend and across the street neighbor) and I called the midwife. Jody took the girls to her house where her husband and older children would watch them and she came back. My midwife called back and started the very difficult conversation of what to do next. She said that the risk of postpartum hemorrhage is higher with a second trimester loss and that attending this type of birth at home was out of her scope. I was absolutely devastated at the idea of a hospital birth. I have very strong beliefs about birth and both of my girls were born at home. I also knew that we would be lucky to find a hospital that would even let Ryan in with me because of the Covid-19 pandemic. My last concern was having the baby taken away from me. My friend had gone through a second trimester loss a few years previously and she said the hospital would not let her bring her baby home. This was of utmost importance to me, also because I wanted my girls to see and hold the baby. The midwife said she would call around to hospitals and see what they said about these things.

I started writing a birth plan and Ryan packed a bag for me. We called our immediate families to let them know what was going on. My mom literally dropped everything and hopped on a plane from Florida to come up and support us. The midwife called back and said she had talked to the charge nurse at a local hospital. The nurse said I could absolutely have Ryan with me and I could take my baby home. I started to feel better about a hospital birth and I started to think I might want induction and pain medications. Induction because I didn't want to wait for labor to start naturally. With a loss it can take weeks and even months sometimes. I am completely patient when I get to full term with a live baby, because I believe only they know when they are fully developed and ready to be born. But with a miscarriage I did not want to have to wait days or weeks to birth them. I also had concerns about a complete shut down of the state and how that might affect our options for having Ryan in the hospital or having a funeral.

I thought about an epidural because I had read about other people's late miscarriages and stillbirths and they had said it was like real labor physically and harder emotionally. My first birth was 68 hours long and my second was short but intense so I knew all about real labor. I have no doubt in my ability to naturally labor and birth a live term baby, but I didn't know if I could do a real labor when I was going to birth a dead baby. Natural birth is usually intense and hard work - and you are doing it mostly for the amazing experience of meeting your baby without hindrance and with the intense euphoria from oxytocin (which your body does not have with pitocin or pain medications). It's also a spiritual experience for me and in the hospital birth becomes more of a medical experience that is very different. Another big reason I birth naturally is because of the risks of interventions to the baby. But none of that applied in this situation except for the spiritual experience. But I wasn't sure if that outweighed the drawbacks of the physical and emotional pain I thought I would experience.

I was crying and feeling like I was betraying my principles and all that I stood for, even talking about wanting an induction and epidural. I felt very conflicted on what to do and went back and forth about what I thought I wanted. I also had a lot of hesitation about doing this unassisted at home, without a midwife present, and having to possibly manage excessive bleeding on my own with Ryan's and Jody's help.

Jody reminded me that we didn't even know if the baby had for sure passed yet. She knew women who had their waters break about the same time but the baby was fine, so they were on strict bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy and their babies were born close to term. Regardless of viability at this stage. there is no way I would ever consent to inducing labor if my baby was still alive. I would not kill my baby for any reason. So the next step was to have an ultrasound and get more information before deciding anything about birth place.

First I had a a swab test done to see if it was really my amniotic sac that had broken and not urine, discharge, or fluid from a subchorionic hematoma. The test, which is fairly accurate, was negative for amniotic fluid. I know that the fluid I had was not urine or discharge. It was a substantial amount of fluid, crystal clear, and did not smell like urine.

They tried to find a heartbeat with the doppler but could only hear mine. This can be normal at 16 weeks. We then waited for an ultrasound which would tell us definitively if the baby had passed or not.

I was very clear with the ultrasound technician that we were literally only doing an ultrasound to see if the baby was still alive. I wanted and needed no other measurements and I normally do no ultrasounds during pregnancy. She said that she was required to do xyz measurements. Fine, whatever, I'm not going to fight with you.

I could see Cedric right away and he wasn't moving and I knew. I'm no expert on ultrasound, but as far as I know 16 week old babies don't act completely unresponsive when they have the high frequency sound waves shot at them. The tech didn't say much and she did all her measurements. I still was holding onto some hope. I asked her if she had seen any movement and she said no. Then she checked for a heart beat and there was none. All remaining hope instantly shattered.

The tech was very kind. She said everything looked structurally normal with the baby, the placenta looked normal and was posterior, the amniotic sac was intact and had plenty of fluid, there was no hematoma that she could see. I know that in many cases there are no medical explanations for miscarriage so that didn't surprise me. She did say that he was measuring at only 13 weeks and 6 days and that he had for sure passed then. I don't believe that. For one thing, many times babies will shrink when their heart stops. I also tend to grow "smaller" babies. I would think it's pretty normal for some babies to be smaller than others even at the beginning of pregnancy just like they are at birth. Also, when Cedric was born he did not look like he had died weeks before and his genitals were fairly prominent. At 13 weeks it's often difficult to tell gender. Even though Cedric only measured 3 inches from crown to rump, if I believe he died at 13 weeks that means I didn't have any positive experiences of pregnancy and I was sick the whole time. It means I didn't feel him moving. Ryan didn't feel him moving. And I didn't hear him kicking the fetoscope. I don't think I can go there.

So after this I wanted to go home and think about what I wanted to do. Our options were: wait for labor to start, cytotec induction at home, cytotec induction at the hospital with lots of cytotec that might end up in a D&C, or nonmedical induction at home. I really did not want the possibility of a D&C. I was not about to let a doctor that probably performed abortions cut my baby into pieces. I did not feel very comfortable with doing cytotec at home. Cytotec can be dangerous and cause longer, stronger, and more intense contractions than natural contractions. I was also still concerned about postpartum hemorrhage. Jody and I collectively knew friends and family who had had second trimester births and did not hemorrhage. The ones who did started labor naturally also said that it was not as hard as term labor.

I'm going to pause for a moment and talk about how Jody was absolutely amazing as a resource and support for me. I suppose she acted as doula but she is also my very good friend and I could not have done this without her. She helped with so many things during this entire process, both concrete practical things like supplies and researching and thinking through all my options, but also the emotional support and empathy. She is my rock. No one should have to go through a loss without a Jody.

By now it was late afternoon. I decided to wait and try any induction until the next day and see if my body would go into labor naturally during the night. I still had some cramping and bleeding but not much. I called our priest to ask about a funeral service and if we could bury the baby in the memorial garden at our church. She expressed her sympathy and said that will be fine and to keep her updated about when we want the service. Jody went with me to Hobby Lobby where we got a small box to bury the baby in, cloth to wrap his body in, and a garden stone for a grave marker. (We will get an engraved stone with their names and birth date later.)

When we got back the girls came home and we told them the baby had died. That was almost worse than finding out ourselves. They were both very excited about the baby and Audrey had said beforehand that she was worried about the baby dying. She cried so much when we told them. Ryan and I cried too. It is really hard to see your child in so much emotional pain over a really big thing. This was their first experience with death.

We told them that the baby had died and was in Heaven with Jesus. That the baby's body was still inside me and after he was born we would get to see and hold the baby's body, but that the baby himself was not here on Earth anymore. We didn't know why the baby had died. Most babies live but sometimes they don't and it is very sad. We will always love and remember the baby and he will live in our hearts. And we will see him again when we go to Heaven. Deidre said, "I want our baby to be alive."

Ryan's parents brought dinner and my cousin brought my mom from the airport so with all the people around I figured that my body was not going to do anything much for a while. (I did keep aware of any signs of infection during this entire process.) I felt very conflicted about lots of things. I wanted pain medication but also to do it naturally. I wanted to induce in some form but was afraid of labor. I wanted to be alone but also be with people. I wanted to give birth as soon as possible but also did not want to let my baby go. I would feel "okay" about everything and then totally devastated.

People left and we finally went to bed and I lay there for hours unable to sleep. My brain would not shut off and I was having stronger cramping and a bit more bleeding. I was so tired but it was more of an emotional tired than a physical one. I finally fell asleep around 3 am but woke every hour until 7 when the girls got up.

I thought and prayed about what to do, as I had been during the night. Since I was still having some cramping and bleeding I figured my body was close to doing this on its own and only needed a little push (or patience). With all my now available options, the risk of being pushed into a D&C at the hospital, and not wanting this process to drag out for days, I felt like I was only left with one good choice: herbal induction. I was very mad that because my baby "only" measured 13 weeks I was probably "not eligible" for a hospital birth that would include more induction options, pain medication besides IV narcotics, or nurses trained in loss like I would be if the baby had measured only a few weeks older. I was mad that they would offer to cut up your baby via D&C or send women home with cytotec to do this on their own, especially women who don't know about natural birth or who don't want one. But in hindsight I'm very happy with choosing to stay home.

Jody went to an herbal store in the cities when it opened at 10 and got blue and black cohosh, as well as yarrow and shepherd's purse tinctures to help with bleeding afterwards. I felt like this was the right choice for me and I wanted it to be over with already, but I also didn't want to let my baby go and I was afraid of the emotional and physical pain. So much fear during this entire process. I have never had so much fear before giving birth. I took pulsatilla to help with decision making and shortly afterwards felt ready to start the induction.

I have never thought I would induce myself because I am so comfortable with waiting until my baby is ready to be born, so it was weird to be doing this. I started the induction around 11:30 am. I held each tincture under my tongue before swallowing. It stung so much! I Around 1:30 pm I was finished with the induction. I felt very tired and wanted to go lie down alone in the bedroom. My mom had taken the girls out as planned. I wanted them to hold and see the baby if they wanted to after the birth but I didn't want them around during what I thought would be a difficult and painful birth, emotionally and physically. Ryan went downstairs and Jody went home.

I was unable to sleep so I watched The Office in my dark bedroom. I love The Office and had been saving it to rewatch during my babymoon. It didn't make me sad to watch it without my baby but I really enjoyed the comedic relief and it felt right to watch it now. I was having what I would describe as strong early labor contractions but there was no break - it was constant. I thought ok, this is early labor then. I was bleeding a bit more but not much. I did tell my baby that it was ok. That he could come out now. That we would both be ok.

After about an hour my eyes were getting really tired so I put on music instead. I started drifting off to sleep a bit despite the continued strong cramping. It still felt like easy early labor and I figured I had awhile to go yet. It was very peaceful to be laboring alone in my bedroom. I had always visualized birthing this baby in my bedroom. Deidre was born in the bedroom of our old house and it was very nice and had a sense of privacy and safety that the other parts of the house don't. I also labored alone with Deidre for most of labor and I really liked that.

I started feeling like the contractions were getting lighter. Sometimes herbal inductions can take hours to start working. I texted Jody that they were getting lighter and she suggested resting and waiting, going on a walk later, or trying clary sage oil or sepia homeopathy. I got the clary sage and started smelling it. Then my water broke (felt exactly the same as when I thought it had broken on Tuesday morning). I waited for the contraction to ease a bit and I got up to make sure it was my waters and not a lot of bleeding. As I stood up the baby slipped right out! I was SO surprised! I couldn't believe that labor was already over and it was SO easy! He was born at 3:40 pm on Wednesday, March 25th, 2020.

The baby slipped from my pad to my pants leg and I called out "HELP!" because my mom and Ryan were both downstairs. Ryan came in and helped me take my pants off and mom came in shortly after. I asked them to call Jody to come. She gave me a lot of practical support during third stage and took many wonderful pictures at my request.

I saw my beautiful, perfect son on my right thigh and I laid down on the bed holding him to my leg. "Oh! Look at him!" I cried. I thought his skin might be red but it was a light beige color. He felt very smooth and squishy. I was worried about him falling apart if I touched him but Ryan reminded me that he wouldn't. His bones were still cartilage and very flexible. He had all 10 fingers and toes, little eyes covered by little eyelids, a mouth that would open and close, a definite penis, and such a tiny, sweet umbilical cord. I laid him on a small square of blue cloth that I had chosen at Hobby Lobby. Blue for my favorite color, not because I knew he was a boy.

I felt SO much relief that he was born and that it was "over." I felt the adrenaline and oxytocin rush after a natural birth where are you so relieved and happy that you did it. And also sad that it was over and he was out, but then so much relief that I was done and had rocked it.

I was bleeding and was worried it was too much. Jody and Ryan looked and said it was not that much but I wanted to stay on top of it with the tinctures so I took those every 15 minutes.

During this the girls were watching tv. Audrey saw my mom and Ryan rushing to the room and knew the baby had been born. I said I wanted them to come in if they wanted to. Audrey wanted to see the baby but was understandably a bit squeamish about touching him or getting too close.

Deidre really wanted to see the baby and said "Wow!" She wanted to touch him, and we let her gently touch him. They didn't ask questions about him being dead and seemed to understand. Deidre had a lot of questions about my bleeding as he was still on my thigh. I pointed out his tiny arms and legs, fingers and toes.

I wanted to leave the umbilical cord intact. I had been contemplating a lotus birth already (not cutting the cord at all and waiting for it to naturally detach at the umbilicus) and that felt right. Unfortunately when I passed what I thought was the placenta but ended up being a large clot, it was stuck around the cord and as we pulled that away the cord broke.

The first placenta came out. It was a perfect, beautiful round circle with the cord attached right in the middle. A smooth side with the "tree of life" veins and a rough side that had been attached to my uterus. It was completely whole and the size of my palm.

3 minutes later the second placenta came out. It definitely wasn't a clot and also would not have fit into the other placenta at all. We could see a yellow area near the edge, which looked very different from the other placental tissue. Comparing to photos online we realized that this was the twin. 2 placentas, extreme morning sickness and fatigue, fundal height measuring high (I had checked it again right at 16 weeks and I measured 20 weeks), intuition. Twins. This baby had passed away much earlier and was absorbed into her placenta, but she was there. A human being with a unique, unrepeatable set of DNA even if she didn't look like a baby at this point.

It is really hard to tell in this picture, but Celeste is on the top right of this placenta.

Ryan and mom held Cedric and then Jody measured him, arranged his body and cord, and took more pictures.

This bunting was knitted by a dear friend for our baby

Ryan rubbed his body with oil to help preserve him. There was an option to put him in a saline solution to help preserve his body but neither one of us wanted to do that. We put him in the bunting and that into the box and slept with the box that night. Before we went to bed we picked out names. I liked Celeste because it means heavenly. Ryan chose Star for her middle name. I have always liked the name Cedric for a boy so we chose that and John was Ryan's grandpa. Cedric John for our big boy baby and Celeste Star for our absorbed twin.

This was taken about 6 hours after birth and you can see the cord is already completely dried out and that his body is starting to dry out too

During this process Ryan had asked me a few times what I thought I would feel most at peace with afterwards, regarding home or hospital, induction or not. At first I thought I wouldn't care afterwards what birth place or process I had chosen, but he was right. I am so glad I choose what I did and that I stayed home. I believe everything went exactly as it needed to and I had all the right support during the entire process. And mostly I feel so grateful that the herbal induction worked. I am so grateful that I did not choose to go to the hospital because if I had ended up with a D&C we never would have known about Celeste. In the aftermath I can say that I am very happy with my second trimester birth experience. It wasn't necessarily a happy experience but it was empowering and wonderful in its own way.

I slept better that night than I had the night before but I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. I felt more peaceful and more relief but I also cried a lot. I didn't want to part from them the next day but I also wanted it all to be over. I listened to the song 21 Years by TobyMac and cried a lot more.

The funeral was set for the next day, Thursday, at 3:30 pm. I spent the morning making the program with Jody (yet another thing I hadn't even thought of that she reminded me of!) and making last minute funeral arrangements. There was concern that it might not be legal to bury the babies and placentas in the memorial garden at our church. I did find a back up church where my friend had buried her younger than 20 weeks old baby. State law does not recognize babies born before 20 weeks as people so there are no laws regarding their burial. That made me angry because I knew it had to do with abortion but it also made the process easier for us as we didn't have any paperwork from a hospital or funeral home since this was a homebirth. Thankfully it worked out and we were able to bury the babies as planned at our church.

It was odd to feel postpartum, but yet not really postpartum like you are with a live baby. I have healed very quickly compared to my other births and bled much less. My abdomen is nearly back to it's pre-pregnancy state already. I suppose I also have the feeling of "postpartum but not" because I'm not nursing and sleeping with a baby. Even though it feels like it's "not really" postpartum, I know it is. I still gave birth to 2 babies. I still have 2 placental sites in my uterus to heal. I still have some of the same postpartum hormones. But as far as experiences go this feels more like my first trimester, where I laid in bed because I was too sick to get up. That was difficult physically and emotionally while postpartum with a live baby is usually such a happy, wonderful time.

Ryan and I have also discussed how this experience is actually easier in some ways than infertility was. Infertility drags on and on. You have no closure. It is a slow burn and there is a lot of uncertainty about what will happen. If you will ever get pregnant. Having babies die is a huge, intense shock, but you have closure. You are not left in lingo, uncertain about what will happen. Because it has already happened and you can fully grieve about the past without also having your eyes on the future.

People also understand this type of grief more. And maybe it was because I was 16 weeks compared to very early in pregnancy. People don't always understand why you would be so devastated while going through infertility. They don't know the cycle of great hope and then despair that you go through every month. And the long, long moments of slow painful waiting to see if this is the month that "worked."

The previous night Ryan had told the girls that we found out it was actually twins. Deidre didn't really understand since there was only one body that was visibly a baby but Audrey did understand. She made a little card for them and put a beaded bunny for the Cedric and a bead for Celeste into the box. She had a lot of questions for me about heaven that I tried to answer the best I could. Such as: will they play with their toys? Is everyone in heaven naked? Is heaven in the clouds? How do you not fall through the clouds?

It was nice having the girls around, doing cute things and snuggling with us. The house would have felt so lonely and sad if I didn't have other children playing in the background, asking me questions, and cuddling in bed with me. I have always been so grateful for my daughters, but I feel especially grateful now that God has blessed me with them.

Right before we left for the funeral, we had to put the lid on the box. That was very difficult for Ryan and I. Audrey said goodbye and watched us shut the box. Deidre was upset that we had put the lid on and wanted to open it.

The funeral service was lovely. Our immediate families and close friends attended. The hardest part of course was having to give up the box to Ryan to put into the grave. And Audrey sobbing as Ryan cried during the speech he gave.