Labor started with my water breaking on Thursday at 2:30 am (just like how my miscarriage started). It was clear, I had no signs of infection, and baby was doing well so I decided on watchful waiting for the time being. Usually contractions start on their own within 24 hours of membranes rupturing. Ryan and I went back to bed after notifying the midwife. I had occasional strong cramping but not any real contractions. It took me awhile to fall back asleep because I was excited and knew that sometimes labor goes fast after the water breaks (especially for a 3rd full term pregnancy).
Thursday during the day I kept waiting and hoping contractions would start but nothing did. My midwife came to check on me and baby and we were both doing great. I was worried that my body wouldn't go into labor on its own even though I knew logically that would be pretty unlikely. I wasn't sure how comfortable I was waiting many days for labor to start on it own. The risk of infection does increase with time, but it is a very small increase. The real risk increases when you have vaginal exams, of which I was not having any. But the fear of losing another baby was still pretty strong at times and I definitely made medical decisions this pregnancy that I never would have if I hadn't lost the twins.
Another big fear I had was having to transfer to the hospital. A hospital birth is nothing at all like the homebirths I have, and especially with covid paranoia still rampant it would be even worse. Although of course I would do anything medically necessary for the health of me and baby, a hospital birth, especially if it could have been avoided, would have been very traumatic. I would likely not have been "allowed" to do things like catch my own baby, have uninterrupted time with baby after birth, have my older daughters present at the birth, etc.
So with all of this I was considering "natural" induction techniques to help ensure that birth would happen while she and I were still doing well versus waiting too long and then running out of options. I discussed all of this with Ryan and he was all for inducing labor! (He was super excited and impatient to hold his baby!)
The first things I tried on Thursday night were taking a long walk and pumping for 2 hours while we watched a funny movie. The walking was to help her head engage in my pelvis (she was still pretty far up, which is not uncommon for a 3rd full term pregnancy). The pumping and funny movie were to encourage a good flow of oxytocin in my system, which is the hormone that makes the uterus contract.
I went to bed on Thursday hoping that I would wake up in the middle of night in labor. I did have some stronger contractions but they were 1-2 hours apart. So while my body was progressing some it wasn't enough to start real labor.
Friday I decided I needed to do an herbal induction, which is the same thing I did for my miscarriage. I do wonder if emotionally I needed to have a "redo" of that experience with a positive outcome. Although I would not have chosen this path and was upset at the time, ultimately it was very healing to have labor start the same way. Kind of like rewriting my miscarriage. Early in my pregnancy I did EMDR therapy and some of the exercises involved "rewriting" your traumatic experience with what you wish had happened. In hindsight that's kind of what ended up happening - all the negative parts of my miscarriage were positive in my birth.
My friend, Jody, and I took a long walk that morning and discussed my situation. I felt like I was, once again this pregnancy, betraying my principles of trusting my body and trusting birth. It helped a lot to talk this over with someone who understands (Jody used to be a childbirth educator and doula and has 4 children she birthed naturally). I cried and prayed about this when I got home and ultimately felt like I was making the right decision.
My midwife came over in the afternoon to help me with the induction. There is some risk with even "natural " induction techniques so she monitored my vitals and baby's heart rate after each round of the herbal tinctures. Everything went well and after dinner I started early labor. I was worried things would just stop so Ryan took the kids downstairs and I listened to Christian music in my bedroom with the curtains pulled shut trying to get out of my head. I switched between standing at my dresser swaying my hips and sitting on the birth ball doing figure eights (both of which can help the baby's head descend through the pelvis).
In order for the hormones of natural birth to work optimally, a woman needs to be in the more instinctive, primitive part of her brain versus her neocortex, the thinking part of her brain. This usually happens without effort but sometimes overanalyzing the situation and emotional issues can be strong enough to interfere with the natural flow of hormones and can even stop active labor. So by being alone in my bedroom with music on I was trying to get out of my "thinking" brain and into my "birthing" brain! The darkness and privacy of my bedroom also helped, because the hormones flow best when a woman feels private, safe, and unobserved.
I also thought about my twins and cried and prayed more. I did the same things (be alone in my dark bedroom, listen to music, cry, and pray) after inducing labor with them and it felt right to be in a similar situation at this point.
At about 9pm I was getting tired so I layed in bed but she was moving so much between contractions and they were getting pretty strong that it was hard to rest. I decided to give up resting and went into the dining room to labor alone while Ryan tried to sleep. (I hate feeling watched during labor unless I'm close to the end!) During this whole time I kept timing contractions and analyzing what was going on. I was still worried that labor wouldn't keep progressing. Even though I knew that I needed to it was hard to get out of my head as an experienced homebirth mama and birth worker.
Around midnight contractions were getting stronger although still spaced out. I woke Ryan to do counter pressure on my back and I checked in with my midwife about the baby moving so strongly. She had me use my fetoscope to check her heart tones. All was good and my midwife started to make her way here since she lives an hour away.
I finally stopped timing contractions and I think that helped me to get out of my head and progress faster. I started vocalizing during contractions and that helped a lot with managing the intensity. I switched between standing at the dining room table and leaning over it during contractions with kneeling on the floor leaning over the birth ball. I didn't want counter pressure anymore so Ryan went around doing little things to get ready, like turning on the video camera and the lights by the tub.
The midwives arrived about 2am and Jody came over (she helped with the older girls, Audrey and Deidre, took pictures, and prepped my placenta for smoothies.) Contractions were intense at this point so I got into the tub. I was still playing music from my phone. I made a "birth" playlist and had a variety of Christian and Indie music. I also listened some to a Christian hypnobirthing app. I had planned on using some Hypnobabies tracks too like I did in Deidre's birth but I never felt the urge to switch to that.
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| The birth tub in the little room off the dining room. Normally this is the girls' playroom. |
After a few contractions I checked to see how low her head was. I seem to do this every time right around transition. I love feeling their little heads while they're still inside and seeing if they have hair! It can be really motivating to get through that last, intense part of labor when you feel how close you are to holding them in your arms!
I was irritated to feel that she was high and I still had cervix left. I was hoping her head would be "right there" as Deidre's was when I checked with her. I complained to my midwife about having "so much cervix left" and she suggested leaning back in the tub to help dilate the anterior lip faster.
Jody and Ryan went to wake up the girls (I have no idea how they slept through all my vocalizing!) And they came to watch labor a bit. I was worried I was scaring them with how loud I was but my husband said later they were fine. We had prepared by watching lots of homebirth videos, most of which showed women vocalizing (I am always loud during birth. I don't know how women can keep that energy inside!)
About a half hour later I felt that I still had cervix left and labor was starting to slow a bit. My midwife suggested I get out of the tub, pee, walk around, maybe try the stairs and that would probably be enough to get rid of the lip. I sat on the toilet for 2 intense contractions, knowing that it would be even more intense on the toilet but that doing so is often a very helpful position in labor. I felt a bit of a pop with the second contraction and had some bloody show, which I think was her head coming over that last bit of cervix.
Then I walked into the living room. My midwife said "you can hop back into the tub now!" But I thought "Nope! Not gonna make it!" as I started having a really intense contraction. I called Ryan over to lean on him. The two midwives came over with a chux pad to put on the hardwood floor for any blood and to make sure she didn't fall if I was unable to catch her. (I had my main midwife I see for all appointments and a secondary midwife that only came for the birth.)
My body pushed her out only to her mouth, which I thought was her entire head, so my midwife said I needed to push her head out the rest of the way. Then I stopped and waited for another contraction as I held her head in my hands. She started moving her mouth, which meant she was trying to start breathing. My midwife told me to push her the rest of the way out even though I wasn't having a contraction. I felt her shoulders rotate and pushed super hard because I knew my midwife would not tell me to do anything unless it was absolutely necessary (she is more hands off and knew that I didn't want any "help" unless it was actually needed. Sometimes care providers do a lot of routine things that aren't necessary and I didn't want any of that.)
I caught my baby and pulled her up to my belly. I thought for sure I tore a bunch as she was so bloody! I ended up only having some small internal tears. This was my first birth that I did not have a bad tear. Recovery has been so easy!
She cried right away and I talked to her as I felt that insane high of oxytocin wash over me. I couldn't believe she was finally here and I was finally holding my baby after that long year of heartache and fear. I saw her beautiful blue cord and verified that the ultrasound was correct for her gender. I told my midwife "I'm done! With this part!" (referring to still having the placenta to birth). She was born about 48 hours post water rupture at 3:35 am. My midwives wiped my legs off and helped me walk the few feet to the couch to sit for third stage.
During this Jody had been reading a book about homebirth to the girls on the couch and said "this is where your mom is in labor" showing a picture of the mom walking around. Then as I started pushing she said "nope, I guess we're on this page where the mom is pushing!" Ironically the woman in the book also births standing up!
Jody told the girls to stay on the couch to watch and rushed over to grab the video camera, which was still in the little room off the dining room. She managed to catch the birth on film.The girls were super excited but did a great job of sitting still and watching quietly!
As I sat on the couch we all bonded as a family. Audrey was crying and said "I'm just so happy!" The miscarriage was really hard on them too and she's had a lot of fears about this baby. They liked touching her head while I nursed her and asked about the placenta. Ryan made a joke about birthing the placenta being my favorite part and Deidre said seriously "My favorite part was when the baby was born!"
Lily latched on a few minutes after birth and nursed pretty much the entire first hour. I had minimal bleeding and was able to birth my own placenta about 40 minutes after. I held Lily face down on my right arm while I guided the placenta out with my left.
I haven't been able to get my own placentas out myself, I have needed the midwife to pull it out, so birthing the placenta on my own was important to me. I also hemorrhaged during my miscarriage and needed pitocin as the herbs used to stop bleeding weren't working. I felt very unwell and was actually scared that I was going to die (although I knew logically that I hadn't lost quite that much blood and that we would call 911 and transfer to to the hospital before that point). The two tiny placentas from the twins were also difficult to get out and I required lots of help. So not only having to birth dead babies was traumatic but third stage was traumatic as well. Having both minimal bleeding and birthing my own placenta this time was very empowering and healing, another "rewriting" of my miscarriage.
I was looking forward to seeing my placenta. I used to do placenta encapsulation and in general I find placentas fascinating. They are a brand new organ your body grows during pregnancy that is essential for your baby. Placentas provide the baby with oxygen and nutrients via the umbilical cord veins and the umbilical artery carries away waste. I find it really sad that our society and most care providers regard placentas as "medical waste" and just throw them away after birth.
My placenta was pretty small but healthy. The size of the placenta usually correlates with the size of the baby and Lily was 6.15. Jody prepped my placenta for smoothies and I drank 1 smoothie every day with a chunk of raw placenta in it. Placenta smoothies taste just like smoothie and there are many benefits to eating your placenta. I also did this with Deidre's placenta. (Go here for more info on eating the placenta)
(Birth nerd note: my placenta was a partial circummarginate placenta, which means the chorionic membranes - the fetal side of the placenta - insert inward from the margin of placental edge. It basically looks like a white ring around the edge of the placenta. Sometimes it can cause intrauterine growth restriction. My midwife said she sees this placenta variation a lot, even before covid, and that she doesn't necessarily find it correlated with intrauterine growth restriction.)
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Ryan, Audrey, and Deidre with Lily. You can see her cord and that she is still attached to the placenta, which is in a bowl in front of Ryan. |
About an hour after birth we went into the bedroom and did cord burning, which was a really nice way to separate the placenta. Cord burning is a slower, more ceremonial way to separate the placenta than cutting. I bought a wooden box made especially for cord burning off Etsy. It had a notch on each side: two for the cord to drape across and two for candle holders. I held Lily in a blanket and she nursed while Ryan and I each held a lit candle to the cord.
During this we played the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. That song was played at our wedding and has always been special to me. It was a perfect fit for our rainbow baby!
It took a little over 10 minutes for the cord to burn through. There wasn't much smell and no smoke, although it did pop a few times blowing the candles out. When finished the cord stump was longer than if it had been cut so I tied it in a knot. It dried very quickly and fell off at 3 days. (We also used goldenseal powder at the base to help it dry faster)
My midwife did the newborn exam, during most of which I held Lily.
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This is how babies are weighed at homebirths! My midwife knits and she made this sling. |
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Lily wants to nurse again! |
After the birth team left we all spent most of the day in the bedroom, bonding as a family. There is nothing better than being in your own bed with your newborn right after birth! It was such a magical day and Audrey kept saying "This is the most special day ever!" We were all so happy that Lily was finally here and healthy, and that I was blessed with such an empowering and healing birth.
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I wore this necklace during birth. It was made for me during my Blessingway by each friend bringing a bead(s) that symbolized hopes for my birth. I have had Blessingways instead of baby showers for my last 2 term pregnancies and they are such a special way to prepare for birth! You can read more about Blessingways here. |
