Nursing in Public Etiquette - Toddler Edition

Hey, fellow toddlers! I'm a 2 year old expert nurser who's hobbies include: running around naked in the winter, nursing, painting on my arms, and nursing. I've seen some really bad nursing etiquette in public lately. While it's completely fine to put your toes in your Mom's eyeballs in your own home, you should observe some decency out in the public eye.

Rule #1: Body Position.

It's most comfortable for your Mom if you cuddle up nicely on her lap. I know it's more comfortable for us to stand and jiggle our butts in the air to the beat of 'Jingle Bells' but apparently that draws too much attention.

Looks like groovy dance moves but keep it to the privacy of your own home.

This position is better but difficult to maintain for more than 40 minutes.

Rule #3: Feet Stay Down.

Moms have this weird thing about what our feet are doing. You should leave them down next to her side, preferably holding them still. Kicking frantically, holding your toes in your hand, or putting them in your Mom's mouth is rude.

Mom doesn't look very happy here. Put your foot down, dude!

Rule #4: Deep Latch.

Getting red teeth indents on your boob is fairly unpleasant. So is popping on and off. Just commit to either nursing for awhile or pouring Dad's full glass of water onto the cat. Don't try to multitask. For the best latch open wide and aim the nipple towards the roof of your mouth. And don't forget Rule #1 too! Otherwise your teeth will slide down onto the nipple while you're trying to twist your body to see what's on TV.

In my defense, they decided to play 'Frosty the Snowman' right in the middle of my very important, 30 minute nursing session.

Rule #5: For the Love of God, Stop the Nipple Twiddling!

Mom said this should be a rule for all the time and not just in public. I disagree, but to each their own. It's also frowned upon to have both boobs out of the shirt at once or even to just dig into her shirt to pull the other boob out.

Since my Mom is a bad photographer it's hard to tell but I am twiddling the free nipple here. I prefer to nurse with both boobs out at once, a nursing style I refer to as "Boobie Bongos."

Rule #6: Leave the Hungry Toys At Home.

It's so cute to have Mom pretend to nurse your toys! But screaming "Mommy, nurse Unicorn!" in the grocery store gets a lot of looks. Especially when combined with pulling the other boob out of her shirt. So leave the temptation at home and focus on chucking food out of the grocery cart instead.

Here's an example of great NIP etiquette. You can tell because the man behind us is asleep instead of being really concerned that he was subjected to the horrific act of public lactation. It's just a coincidence that I'm asleep here. I can totally nurse this nicely even while awake!

Good luck everyone! And remember, rules were meant to be broken!